Kill City

?

2006-01-18T10:06:31Z

What am I living for? what is my goal in life?? Sometimes I think I'm consumed by other people. not really living if I'm alone. If I am alone, do I become nobody??? What the fuck am I doing?? I am consumed by nothingness. I watch tv. I play with Bowie. I hang out with sisi and bree. I wait. I sleep. I wait every month for the one day I enjoy the most, the one day that makes Vancouver just a little tolerable. How pathetic is that??? There has to be something else going on... Maybe I should talk to different people.. find out what they're doing. I'm trapped in my head the only time I say any of this is on this stupid fucking thing. I don't want to bring anyone down with my shit. I need a project. Something all consuming... something different. Something to spark some life and interest. But, what?

It's too quiet here.. too dead.. too sterile.
I'm neglecting people that I love and I can't even tell you why. Maybe it's my lack of ability to be interested in small talk. fuck. I don't know.

Maybe I should call Heather.

I'm dead.

2006-01-11T08:16:54Z

No really.. In a way I am dead. Part of me doesn't exist anymore. Part of me has died. Parts of me miss the seclusion of the island. Or maybe I just miss a part of my past. Nothing will ever be the same again.
Nothing ever lives up to my expectations. No matter where I am I always feel like there's something bigger and better out there that I'm missing out on.. I'm never happy in the present which means I'm never happy in the future. But I can't settle for what's in front of me... this can't be it... right? If this is all life has to offer... fuck that.
Obviously there's something wrong with me..
Does life only offer different stages of shit???
I need to do something different.. Usually this would mean changing something aesthetic.. But I have only a strip of bright butt-fuck pink hair and I already have an appt. for my next tattoo.
I need a revelation... a realization.
A "Holy fuck Sasheena! Wake the fuck up! You are missing life..."
Am I though??? I do.... stuff. I have good friends, a decent cd collection, a nice wardrobe... what else is there??? I need a hobby. Something expressive that I can stick to. I like modelling and I'm working on my portfolio.. I need to do something I can do alone.. you know??? I wish I had some artistic ability... Maybe I should got ot school... That would make my mom happy... Would it make me happy though???

Who fucking knows and who fucking cares, right???

fuck this.

kill_city @ 2006-01-04T15:06:00

2006-01-04T23:06:20Z

I Love You

kill_city @ 2005-12-15T23:08:00

2005-12-16T07:11:27Z

I did a shoot with nick on sun. You can see a couple pix on modelmayhem.com Photographer: Nickolas (nicholas..?)Burke... It looks good so far.

Fuck Christmas right up the ass with a 10" dildo without lube and lots o blood.

Love
~Suzee Suicide

YAY...

2005-11-30T05:59:05Z

I'mmmmmmmm drrrrrrrrrunkkkkkkkkkk!

kill_city @ 2005-11-22T23:48:00

2005-11-23T07:56:34Z

I hope you fucking die. You are the most pathetic excuse for a human I've ever met and I fucking hate myself for wasting so much of me on you. You wouldn't be who you are if it weren't for me. You wouldn't know anything even existed. You'd still aspire to live on welfare in P.R. LOSER. And what the fuck did you do for me??? NOTHING. You taught me nothing other than to never waste my time with things I know that I'm better than. Everyone told me too. EVERYONE. You thought you existed in my shadow?? Well, you did. You are my fucking shadow. You are my little fucking creation. And it failed because now you're back to doing drugs.. back to fucking pieces of shit. Back to being a fucking parasite. Well I guess you ARE only as good as what surrounds you. I should have listened. You can't change people. Some people are just meant to be trash. I'm sure you're doing everyone proud.

Good Job.

Loser.

kill_city @ 2005-11-15T00:08:00

2005-11-15T08:09:44Z

I love getting under her skin. Do I make your blood boil? your skin crawl? your adrenaline pump?
Good.

Because you make me homicidal.

kill_city @ 2005-11-07T21:51:00

2005-11-08T05:51:59Z

I made too many potatos.... oops.

...

2005-11-05T19:43:24Z

It's not how I thought it was..

kill_city @ 2005-10-26T00:52:00

2005-10-26T07:52:36Z

Curtis... Sometimes I want to kick you in the face.

AHHHHHHH.... (sigh of relief)

2005-10-26T03:30:41Z

I love it because I know that killed you.

kill_city @ 2005-10-22T22:32:00

2005-10-23T05:42:33Z

Eat this ass fuck.

...bowie puts it best.

kill_city @ 2005-10-18T23:44:00

2005-10-19T06:56:31Z

I need to get out of this mood. It's driving me crazy.. I feel like I'm going to explode.. or maybe implode (?)... I've let it go.
Too much to think about but nothing worth thinking. Fuck. I hate that.
I want to leave here. I want to go somewhere else. somewhere bigger and better.. Vancouver's too small.. I 've seen it all and I can't fathom staying here much longer. It makes me want to jump off a building.. but will there ever be anywhere big enough for me?? Am I always running??? I haven't found where I'm supposed to be yet. I know it's not here. I'm going to apply to a school in toronto and if I get accepted I'll move there until I'm done.. who knows. I sure as hell don't. but the idea of staying in one spot makes my skin crawl.
I think that I never want to stay in one spot. I want to live everywhere. I'll settle when I die. This place has nothing for me.

Fuck this.

~Suzee Suicide

Fuck you

2005-10-18T02:41:07Z

It's almost funny how one person can completely ruin everything. Well.. Fuck you. you know who you are I won't let you ruin anything else. I won't let it get to me anymore. You're shit and I don't care. That's it. I just don't fucking care anymore.

I just don't fucking care.

Goodbye.

Love
~Suzee Suicide

Why???

2005-10-12T07:20:45Z

Why do I torture myself with this??? Why can't I stop dreaming about it? I have a pit in my stomach. I want to stab myself in the pit and let it drain out so I never have to feel it again. I dreamt about it last night... and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. You know what it is... that thing. That one thing that hurts so bad.. there's no way to let it go. The one thing you feel like happened yesterday... it's impossible to move on. I try my best to find reminders of it even though I don't really even know where to start looking. but I always find something to make the stabbing pain even worse. I know I'm better than this.. I know I don't deserve to make myself feel like this.. or maybe I do deserve it.? I've destroyed peoples lives and now I'm destroying mine.

FUCK THIS. I HATE MYSELF.

TOOOOOOOOOOO HOTTTTTTTT.

2005-08-01T00:02:07Z

I want to kill myslef its so disgustingly hot. fuck global warming. FUCK. no wait it's too hot to fuck. that would be gross. how about just shoot yourself in the head or drink a crap load of daquiris which is my plan.. I'm not going to skank because it's too hot and gross and that club is little and hot... la la la la la...

It must be so gross for bowie since he's so furry... aww.. poor bowie..

I got a new TATTOO on wednesday.. thanks dyl. it's the old skool sp. I lurv it.
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Too hot to think... must.. get drunk... NOW!

Talk to you cretins later...
Love,
~Suzee Suicide

Borred and in HELL

2005-07-20T02:34:40Z

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Suzee Suicide
Birthday:	Feb.15
Birthplace:	CR motherfucker
Current Location:	HELL
Eye Color:	Green/ blue/ grey
Hair Color:	black and pink
Height:	a giant 5'2
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	czech
The Shoes You Wore Today:	knee high pvc boots and leopard print m.j's
Your Weakness:	clothing
Your Fears:	my bruised lip falling off
Your Perfect Pizza:	spinach amd feta..... mmmmm.....
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Blanch Macdonald Special FX make-up
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	instant messenger can lick my ass..
Thoughts First Waking Up:	do I really have to????
Your Best Physical Feature:	My eyes..
Your Bedtime:	whenever I fall asleep or pass out depending
Your Most Missed Memory:	I don't have a memory
Pepsi or Coke:	Daquiri
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Subway
Single or Group Dates:	depends are you actually interested in the person?
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Snapple
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Green tea
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Iced Capp.
Do you Smoke:	maybe
Do you Swear:	like a fucking trucker
Do you Sing:	can courtney love sing???
Do you Shower Daily:	yes. but I don't wash my hair that's gross...
Have you Been in Love:	yes
Do you want to go to College:	yes
Do you want to get Married:	not legally... ewww... i don't know..
Do you belive in yourself:	yes.. I fucking ROCK.
Do you get Motion Sickness:	yes.. I'm a wuss.
Do you think you are Attractive:	absoFUCKINGlutley
Are you a Health Freak:	rrrrrright...
Do you get along with your Parents:	I kind of get along with my mom...
Do you like Thunderstorms:	yes..
Do you play an Instrument:	ha ha ha.. take off your pants and I'll show you...
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	a little :)
In the past month have you Smoked:	a little :)
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	no....
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	I don't think so....????
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	unfortunately....
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	no.. I'm not a fucking cow..
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	god yes...
In the past month have you been on Stage:	I don't think so but I couldn't be certain
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	ewwww... then people would see me naked...
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	no...
Ever been Drunk:	maybe..
Ever been called a Tease:	maybe..
Ever been Beaten up:	maybe..
Ever Shoplifted:	no
How do you want to Die:	with the love of my life beside me... burn baby burn..
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Everything...
What country would you most like to Visit:	Germany
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	green
Favourite Hair Color:	black
Short or Long Hair:	short and styled
Height:	tall
Weight:	average`
Best Clothing Style:	industrial/punk
Number of Drugs I have taken:	15
Number of CDs I own:	300
Number of Piercings:	9
Number of Tattoos:	6
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	0
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

KILL ME NOW

PINK

2005-07-03T21:30:44Z

My hair is an even brighter shade of pink.. cuz I'm a dork..
la la la la...
I'm at Curt's being cool.. that's right you heard me... BITCH.
I'm in a weird.. I have a cold.. mood... I can't breathe..*cough cough fall over and die*
I'm going to puke on Curt now.

Death to anyone who stands in my path... or on my hair.
~Suzee Suicide

X

2005-06-29T03:06:16Z

I have a photoshoot tomorrow... fab. and I feel fat. GREAT. Everything good seems to be met by something bad. God listent to me... I'm pathetic.
I want to shoot myself in the head right now.. I need to talk to you but I've lost my voice when we're together... I care too much about what you think.. I think too much. I try too hard and forget myself. I need to let it be... let this paranoia go. But in order for me to do that I have to find my voice and spit the words out.. whenever we talk I come so close... I scare the shit out of myself by overthinking it. and then I stop and pretend it's nothing. I'm scared of the answer. I keep thinking it doesn't matter. We're together now.. but it does. FUCK.

Go fucking kill something.
~Suzee Suicide

KILL...

2005-06-10T05:03:43Z

I hate bois.. I hope they all burn in hell... Either the one you like doesn;t want to be with you.. or they have a grrlfriend... or you're too shy to talk to them.. that's right people.. I'm too shy... weird huh??? Whatever... that's why they make vibrators... fucking bastards... whatever.. I'm going to sin city this weekend... and it's going to be soooooooo fun. so there.

blah.

I hate everything.

~Suzee Suicide

Grrrr...

2005-06-04T04:17:48Z

I hate everything... especially Curt... I hope you fall and hit your head really hard and become brain damaged and drool on yourself so no one wants to talk to you and they're all like "ewww.. stay away from the brain damaged drooly boi."

BITCH.

Anyways aparently my photo is going to be on the cover of some UK bands cd... which is pretty cool...
unless they suck then I'm saying no.

Going for drinks..

I wish death upon your head...
~Suzee Suicide

bah.... I'm drunk...

2005-05-30T03:35:05Z

I don't know how many drinks I've had.. enough to be something... GOD. Daquiris are so good.
Curt isn't coming to Skank because he's sick... wha. LAME.
FUCK.. is skank at the red room tonight..? why can't I ever remember anything...???
I need to go finish my millionth daquiri now...

Drink up..
~Suzee Suicide

SKANK...

2005-05-23T04:28:29Z

We are getting ready to go to skank.. sisi and I are drinking daquiris... I've already passed out once.. god I'm such a lite weight... it's kind of sad.
Sisi made me the cutest pink crinoline.. it rox my sox.. but I'm not aloud to wear it until her's is finished which is like torture..

yay for strawberry daquiris!!!!

Skank should be full of liquor which is the best part and drunk dancing.. as long as there is no falling over... which there hasn't been yet so I shouldn't have to worry about it...

I wish I had a camera so I could take a picture of us... we look HOT... not that we ever look anything less than that...

KILL.
~Suzee Suicide

AHHHHH

2005-05-20T17:59:58Z

I haven't updated in forever.. maybe because I don't have the internet anymore... my computer licks ass.. and that's gross..
So much has happened but the most important thing is that...

CURT IS SO CUTE.

I'll try to update a bit more in a couple of days when I'm at Sisi's.

Destroy everything.
~Suzee Suicide

I don't know...

2005-03-25T04:27:52Z

I was going to post but now I don't remember what I was going to say...

Whatever.